The Real Gag Real
by Serenity95
Summary: This is a silly spoof, with slash. kirk/nero kirk/mccoy kirk/spock spock/tranny uhura. Yeah, I do like doing this sort of stuff.


Kirks VO: Space the final fron- *crash*

JJ Abrams: What the hell, cut!

The cast and crew look in the narration booth to see Kirk pinned underneath Spock, who appeared to be sucking off his face...

JJ: cut...hello, guys cut... I'll come back later

* * *

><p>Kirks VO: Space, the final frontier, these are the voyages of the Starship Minnow, with Gilligan, the Skipper too, the millionaire and his wife-<p>

JJ: CUT *rubs temples* who the hell switched the script with the Gilligans Island script?

Spock suddenly appears, with Kirk over his shoulder looking triumphant.

Spock: It was me, mwahahahahaha it was all just a distraction so you would leave the poor unsuspecting captian alone. *Spock turns and runs out tripping over the ugly little deformed thing that hangs out with Scotty.* SON OF A BEACH!

JJ: CUT! Damn it.

* * *

><p>Now our favorite captian is strapped to a chair in the narration booth, there are padlocks on the door and a very pissed J.J. Abrams is about ready to have a seizure.<p>

JJ: ALRIGHT, WE DO THIS ONE MORE TIME.

Kirk: *sigh* usually only Bones gets to tie me up.

JJ: *Chokes on Redbull* WHAT WAS THAT?

Kirk: ummmm *clears throat* Space, the final frontier, these are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing misson, to get as much booty as possible HOLLA!

JJ: *sob* I could've directed porn!

Old Sulu: Really? Oh my (A/N this is a reference to a commercial he did for sharper TV. Look it up funny as hell. Its funny, cause he's gay in real life...YOU KNOW THERE WAS A STAR TREK BEFORE 2009. *SCOFF*)

* * *

><p>Vulcan is falling apart, the cameras are rolling, but where is Spock?<p>

J.J Abrams: I'M SINGING IN THE RAIN, JUST SINGING IN THE RAIN, WHAT A GLORIOUS FEELING!

Spock: Actually you're singing in a shower.

J.J Abrams: *screams like little girl and is shocked at Spocks ability to appear out of nowhere* SPOCK WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Spock: What the hell am I doing? I don't know, your the jackass that just beamed one of the most important characters down to a planet thats turning into a bigger black hole than Star Jones! By the way! *Spock suddenly gropes the director who emmits a very girlish squeek* THAT MY FRIEND IS A GLORIOUS FEELING!

J.J: *slides down the wall of his shower crying*

* * *

><p>Kirk: I GOT YOUR GUN<p>

*nothing happens*

JJ: Well are you going to shoot him or what?

Kirk: Um no, we only just got to second base...freaky ass.

JJ: *stares*

Kirk: Oh you meant his phaser, I thought you meant his fun gun.

JJ: Fun gun?

Kirk: you know the old saying, this is my rifle, this is my gun, this is for fighting this is for fun.

Romulan: I'm really not opposed to either being used

JJ: *sniffle*

* * *

><p>Spock: it appears you've been keeping valuable information from me.<p>

Kirk: well, if your father wasn't such a homophobe I would've told you sooner, but if you don't want to stay with us the twins and I will just go to Bones' house *Kirk holds his stomach and sashays away*

Spock: Baby wait come back *chases, no wait he skips to go get his lover captian*

JJ: FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST CUT!

* * *

><p>Kirk: *looks around the engine room* Scotty? *silence, Kirk checks the water filtration system* He's not there.<p>

Scotty: I thought you were a doctor...

In front of Scotty there is the rather disturbing image of Bones dressed in Christine Chapels nurse outfit holding a hypo to Spocks bum.

Bones: Ummmm

Spock: *completely unphased* well, could you at least hold the camera if you're gonna stand there? The tripod broke.

Scotty: HELL YEAH!

* * *

><p>Kirk: Bones, strap on. I mean strap it, I mean tie it. I mean...LINE!<p>

JJ: BUCKLE UP YOU BLOODY FOOL!

Kirk: Alright, Jesus I'm not even in my seat yet!

Bones: *snicker*

* * *

><p>Bones: GOOD GOD MAN LOOK AT YOUR HANDS.<p>

Kirk: *smiles and bats his eyelashes* All the better to grope you with my dear

JJ: Cut!

* * *

><p>Bones: GOOD GOD MAN LOOK AT YOUR HANDS.<p>

Kirk: *stares at his swollen hands fascinated* You know what they say! *Kirk excitedly looks down his pants, his sudden enthusiasm dissapears* THEY LIED!

Bones: *snort* No shit Sherlock.

JJ: CUT!

* * *

><p>Its a naturally ugly desert part of Iowa, the sound of Beastie Boys' Sabatoge fills the air. Instead of the beautiful antique red corvette, Jim is driving a beat up hunk o' junk.<p>

Jim: wooooooo *a young Jim is fascinated by the amazing speed of the machine, a whole five miles per hour*

Cop: *walking by car* Citizen, pull over.

Jim: No *sticks out tongue*

Cop: *whips a taser gun out of no where and shoots the little bastered* what? I asked nice, and this is the future, shit happens.

Jim: *having a seizure while the tiny metal forks stick out of his tongue* ugh

* * *

><p>JJ: Wow, I didn't think Spock liked chicks.<p>

The cast and crew watches curiously as Spock and Uhura make out in the elevator, when the scene ends Uhura and Spock walk off set holding hands.

JJ: wait, I thought you liked guys.

Spock: I do.

JJ: So why are you kissing her.

Uhura: I used to be a man.

JJ: WHAT?

Kirk: Can you imagine when she was getting a sex change, 'do these ovaries make me look fat' *Kirk mimicks his friend in a high pitched voice*

Uhura: *using awesome ninja skills pulls a spork out of nowhere and lunges* DIE YOU SON OF A BEACH!

Kirk: Bonesy! *Kirk proceeeds to run from the room before crashing into Nero, who falls to the ground*

Nero: *groan*

Kirk: *eyes the fallen Romulan with interest* so...you're wife is dead right?

Nero: Yeah why do you ask...no NOOOOO *the Romulan begins to screech and cry as Kirk draggs him away by his feet* I played Prince Hector in Troy, Brad Pitt killed me isn't that humiliating enough? NAHHHHHHHHH

Everyone: *stares in confusion as they hear Neor sobbing*

* * *

><p>Amanda(Spocks mommy): Oh shit *she jumps into her sons arms just as she is about ready to fall, everyone is surprised to see her when they're back on the Enterprise* did you just see that I almost died!<p>

JJ: That was the point, you die and then Spock is emotionally compromised.

Amanda: I die, just so Spock can loose his title of captian? Screw that *suddenly she falls to the ground apparently dead*

Spock: *stands behind his dead mother with an innocent face trying to hide his phaser behind his back* oh no she's dead, ok lets work on the elevator scene!

JJ:...well than... *JJ stalks off silently in hopes of finding burbon and hookers nearby*

* * *

><p>"AND THE LOVE YOU GAVE ME NOTHING ELSE CAN SAVE ME S.O.S!"<p>

Everyone raises their eyebrows in a Spock way before heading to the narration booth. Spock is tied up to what appears to be a dentists chair, belting out Abba songs with the Captian. Spock's line came up, after refusing to sing he was tasered in a very sensitive area...

Spock: WHEN YOUR GONE, THOUGH I TRY HOW CAN I CARRY ON?

Bones: haha, kids a saprano.

Pike: Wouldn't you sing saprano after that?

* * *

><p>Kirk: YOU NEVER LOVED HER<p>

Spock: Indeed *holds up hand as if strangling Kirk*

Kirk: *gag, wheeze*

JJ: What the hell are you doing?

Spock: I'm using the force, now shut up this is fun

Kirk: *still being groped reaches down and makes a groping motion with his hand*

Spock: *squeek*

JJ: *gag*

* * *

><p>Kirk: YOU NEVER LOVED HER *he winces knowing that he is about to be mauled*<p>

Spock: I...*sob* I never appreciated her, you're right *Spock throws himself on Kirk hoping for a hug*

Kirk: Um, bi-polar much?

Spock:*shocked and apparently offended Spock pulls back and slaps the captian* HEARTLESS BASTARD!

* * *

><p>Uhura: I'll be monitering your frequencies<p>

Kirk: OOOOO SOMEONES GOT IT HOT!

Spock: *whips a phaser outta nowhere and shoots the prick right in the forehead*

Kirk: oof! *falls to floor, not dead* ouch

JJ: CUT GODDAMNIT, IF YOU HAD KILLED HIM WE COULD'VE AT LEAST FAKED MUTINY!

Kirk: *looks up ready to yell at the director but finds himself fascinated by the throbbing vein in his forehead* wow, if we stuck a dart in that would you like, impload?

JJ: YOU JACKASS *leaves in hope of finding a pub nearby*

* * *

><p>Pike: Did you take of the parking brake.<p>

Sulu: whoops *blushes* my bad!

JJ: Cut.

Spock: *appears out of nowhere* how much horsepower does this thing get?

Sulu: 14,980,312,492

Pike: not bad.

Spock: *nods*

JJ: *eye twitches*

* * *

><p>Yeah, it was random, is there more? I have no idea. I was thinking maybe a kareoke party, but any suggestions are welcome. BTW JJ Abrams is the director of this Star Trek.<p> 


End file.
